Missing Noah

I think this deserves its own separate post. On January 27, 2006 I had my d&c. I had gotten pregnant within days of an IUD removal and though it was unplanned I was INCREDIBLY excited and happy. I have re-read some of the journal posts I wrote during that first month of the pregnancy and I was ecstatic and had so many hopes and dreams and plans for our little one. We had one eary ultrasound done around 6 weeks to make sure the baby was growing in the right spot, and he looked ok with a heartbeat of about 120 if I remember right which was a little on the low side but they weren't concerned. I went back in around 10 weeks and we did another quick scan. That is when it all came crashing down and I knew something was wrong right away when the tech wouldn't say ANYTHING to me while she was scanning and then she went to get the doctor. The baby was just laying on my cervix and was gone... looked like he had stopped growing around 8 weeks or so... I was so devastated. I remember going to my OB's office to sit and talk with him and just bawling my eyes out. And going to the parking lot and sitting in my car in a daze and bawling some more. The next couple days were a blur, but I remember we scheduled the d&c for very shortly after that ultrasound and I remember waking up after the procedure and wanting to scream that my baby was gone from me now and they'd taken him from me. I know it wasn't their fault and everyone was so good to me, but I just remember waking up and feeling so empty and so lost. I healed physically fairly quickly but I do not think you ever heal emotionally from a loss. Kenneth and I did not handle it well as a couple either and I think it has driven us apart when we should have banded together. We never talked about it. The first time in nearly 4 years that we finally did was last night on the phone. I wish we had leaned on each other instead of carrying the weight of our pain and hurt around alone all these years.

I miss my baby Noah (we don't know that he was a boy but I felt he was from the beginning and his name was Noah Alexander) so much. I miss the little 3 1/2 year old I should have running around my house, and the toys that should be scattered on my floor, and the sounds of his voice and laughter I should get to hear. I miss it all so much more than I can ever fully express in words. A piece of me went with him to heaven and I pray he is with my mom now, that she is watching over him for me. He is my angel baby and I ache for the time I won't ever get to have with him.

I can't believe its been 4 years since that time. It feels like yesterday in some ways and then in others feels like its been an eternity since then. The years have passed quickly.

This is one of those moments where you just want to capture feelings - remind yourself of the past and of the future as well. I ache for what could have been, but I am also very grateful for what I have in my life. For my friends and my family, especially for my son. He is so much a part of me, of who I am, of what I want - he means the world to me. He is my heartbeat and I am so grateful to get to be a mom and to share this life with him.

That quote ‘Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.’ is so beautiful and so true! That is very much how I feel, and it comes with so many ups and downs and joy and sorrow and I wouldn't trade a minute of it!