Wave on Wave

Wave on wave... I think that's how it feels, sometimes... emotion after emotion, thought after thought... this has been such an intense couple weeks, in such a GREAT way! This is probably going to be a rambling sort of post, because I've got a lot of thoughts tumbling around inside my brain today.

There are two ways I'm approaching my TS journey, and they have clashed a little lately, and caused me to pause and really explore thoughts and feelings more in depth, and think through scenarios and motivations. There is the me who knows nothing more than what I feel, what I hope for, what I dream of, and is bubbling over with excitement. Then there is the more cautious side of me who researches, researches, researches, asks tons of questions, wants to know everything that can go wrong and tries to prepare for the worst case scenario, while hoping for the best, the me who tries to speak to as many others who've gone before me as I can, to get their opinions, and thoughts, and to try to understand what the future could hold for me... The me who just wants to run with it wants to go full steam ahead, but the more cautious side of me says maybe we should slow things down a little bit. If this truly is the perfect match for all of us, a little more time will only make our relationship stronger and better.

I asked Vicki last night if we could wait one more month, and do IUIs in April instead of March. I feel like I let them down and disappointed them, and it's been eating at me since last night. I was so restless and woke up agitated about it. I never want to hurt anyone, and realize it's my own fault. I should have thought this through ahead of time, and known the timeline I wanted and expressed that up front. I was thinking this morning that there should be a TS Guide somewhere... I feel like a fish out of water some days, with how new and different ALL of this has been so far. I don't know what is the "right" way to do things, and I guess we just have to make it up as we go, and work with each other to find our "right" path.

I know I cannot just look at the experiences others have had and KNOW how mine will go, but I really try to be open and honest with myself and others that I realize I don't know how I will feel in time. It honestly scares me to see some of the pain other TS's have experienced, some long after delivery, and some immediately afterwards. Most say they do not regret their journeys, but some do. This is a very big commitment on both sides, and not one to be taken lightly. And I think it's that intensity, that awareness of what a huge commitment this is for the rest of our lives that has made me want to just take a breath and pause for a moment. I have no doubts in my mind or in my heart that I do want to be a TS, and specifically that I want to be John & Vicki's TS. This is not about second thoughts, for me it's about listening to those who have experience in what I do not and taking a little extra time to just get to know each other. Not moving forward just because we can, but by choice on our own timeline, as a team. I don't want there to be a single concern on either side when we cycle the first time, I want there to be nothing but positive energy and vibes. I have been so excited to match and move forward with each step, and now I just want to enjoy each other's company for the next couple months and learn more about each other and explore our common interests beyond surrogacy, as well as enjoy all the things to come with cycling and pregnancy.

I hope that I haven't disappointed Vicki too much, I hope she knows how much I care about all of them, and that my wish to wait one more month stems from a good place, of wanting us to have a wonderful solid friendship and foundation to move forward upon. My heart is so soft sometimes, I worry so much about making the right choices, saying and doing the right thing... I know I probably over analyze, and over worry about everything - I guess I just don't know how NOT to!! That is part of who I am...

I hope that today is a good day, and that we make some progress today with contracts or the STD policy. I spoke to the rep yesterday and gave him a bunch of details, and am waiting for the rest of the application so I can review it and complete it.


Popular Posts