Decisions, decisions... think I'm going to look into a new match!

Hubby and I have been talking a LOT the last 3 months about the "what's next" for us and there are a lot of potential changes for our family this year. All this week I have really felt the need to DECIDE one way or the other about whether or not we are going to seriously consider trying for our own child or be at peace with not having any more children and move on from that and focus on everything else the year will bring us. I think I have finally decided the right thing to do for our family is to be content with it the way we are. It has been a hard decision, and a long time coming, but I feel in my heart that it is the right thing for us. With Kenneth graduating in May the job he really wants to take will most likely have him gone a lot over the next year plus and I really want to start college in the next year and after graduating puruse a nursing career, and I am choosing those things and I am excited for all of those opportunities and changes! We wouldn't have been able to do them all if we did decide to have another child, and even if we were able to do some of it, it would have pushed timelines back and made school more difficult, etc. In any event, I am finally at peace and not feeling tormented with the back and forth "what ifs" that I've been running through in my head for the past few months! It feels good to just have DECIDED and be able to move forward and actually plan now!

So, with that decision made I AM going to pursue one more GS journey! Timing wise we'll have to see if I will go ahead and enroll in school during the journey/pregnancy depending on how it all goes or if I'll start school after. That all largely depends on how things are going with Kenneth's new job as well, which we'll know more about closer to graduation. He's going to send an e-mail today to the contact he has to touch base and make sure the job is still there for him upon graduation which will be good, just to make sure we're not making tentative plans for something that's not a viable option any more!

I have contacted my old agency and am looking forward to hearing back to see if she's interested in working with me again. If so, I will hopefully be getting her an updated application this week and then beginning the exciting and nerve wracking process of looking for a great match!

I am going to be pickier this time, so I anticipate it might take a little longer to match. Through my very different surrogacy experiences I've had, I've come to learn a lot about myself and what is important to me in a match. My very first journey I didn't feel like I had the "right" to expect anything of my IPs, but I was truly blessed with a match that was PERFECT for me - we were all a great team, their personalities and communication were exactly what I wanted and needed especially as a first timer. My second journey I just sort of expected to be similar, that I would find a match that was what I was looking for without having to work at it, and I matched quickly but began to realize over time that I did have certain hopes and expectations, and they weren't being met and I could have been more careful about making sure the IPs I worked with wanted the same things I did out of a match and relationship. So, I'm determined to do that this time. Really take my time, have a lot of communication and make sure I'm very up front about my hopes and expectations so that any potential IPs will know from just looking at my profile if we're going into this on the same page. I have learned I do have a right to my desires and my hopes, it's not just about connecting with a couple and having a baby for them, for me it is much more than that and that is ok - it is about the relationship, the communication, the contact - all pieces of the puzzle and I want very much to work with IPs who are interested in a good relationship and a high level of contact and communication as I am. I have felt guilty for wanting a friendship and relationship, feeling like that is being unreasonable and too demanding an expectation. And perhaps some might see it that way, but I've come to the conclusion that there are IPs out there who probably want the same things I do, and when I find them we will have the chance at a good relationship and a great level of communication and we'll both have the chance to get what we want from a match!

So, I'm excited to have finally decided, and hopeful to be in touch with some potential IPs in the next couple months. We'll see how it goes!

On the non-surrogacy front I am starting Phase 3 of P90X tonight! Yippee!! I think this is the farthest I've stuck it out of the other times I've done P90X and I'm proud of myself! I've missed 2 workouts each of the last 2 weeks because of being sick, but I know I'm stronger and have lost weight and can see small changes and I know it will be so worth it to stick with it for the final 30 days and see how I feel and look at the end! Then I have to decide if I want to do another round of P90X or try another program, but I have about a month to decide on that! :)


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