The GS's Spouse...
I was reading through some posts on SMO and then on a blog today and it made me stop and think about the role a GS's spouse plays. Obviously every situation is a little different and each husband will act a little differently depending on how they feel about the surrogacy, about the match, and about their wife carrying someone else's baby.
My husband definitely deserves more credit than I generally give him when I think about the 2 surrogacies I've completed and as I contemplate another journey. My husband is a fierce protector of those he loves, and he keeps it pretty toned down for the most part but I see just how much it affects him when he sees someone he loves is in pain or in danger (which for the most part means me or our son!) He wants to shield us from anything bad happening and keep us safe from physical and emotional harm (when he was there beside me at my last delivery I think he looked like he was in more pain than I was half the time, and I seriously think he looked more relieved than I felt when she was finally born!).
When I first came to him with my hopes for pursuing surrogacy all those years ago he was very concerned for me, mainly for me emotionally. I am an emotional person, no two ways about it! I feel my way through things for the most part, I get involved, I make things personal, and I love whole heartedly and always want to believe the very best of people. That's just how I am. And he knows that about me, and I think in a situation like surrogacy it probably terrifies him! He knows I will go in with my heart on my sleeve, with hopes and dreams of how things might go and he knows that if somehow things don't go that way I will hurt and it will affect me. I will get over it, yes, but I will have to work through it and it will be JUST as hard on him to watch me hurting as it is for me to work through the hurt. My first match I was completely clueless about how it might all go, what to expect, and how to feel, but it was a great match and we were a great team and although I struggled with some intense guilt and worry and self-doubt when we had a couple of canceled cycles that cost precious time and money for my IPs other than those negative feelings everything else was very positive and Kenneth probably felt like it had been a good decision. Yes, he had to be there with me through the ups and downs and hormone induced moodiness, but I was happy so he was happy. (Although if you ask him I am quite sure he'll tell you the hormone induced moodiness is worse than I have any memory of, funny how they remember that sort of stuff better than we do... hmmmm....)
So now I am excited and hopeful for the chance to get to work with one more fantastic couple and he wants me to be happy and he worries that I won't be and it makes it hard for him to be 100% supportive yet and he just wants a little time to feel sure that its the right decision for us all. I feel very sure that it won't take too long for him to feel good about moving forward, especially when he gets the chance to know our potential IPs and have the opportunity to make his own judgements (not just hear my thoughts and feelings and impressions) and feel good about them but I also recognize he's just looking out for me, and that taking things a little slowly at the beginning and having a chance to get to know potential IPs before formally agreeing to move forward is definitely not a bad thing. It's hard to not just get excited and want to start making it all happen, but I think I should be thankful and appreciative of my strong and not-so-silent protector, always there looking out for me and wanting the best for me and for all of us. I need to fully realize just how much of an impact a surrogate journey does have on our family and it can be a wonderful and positive impact, but it has the potential to be negative too. I need to accept that and allow him his worries and not just put on the sunshine blinders and hope everything will be great!
I do feel so much excitement for my next journey, but I know I will be even more excited and ready when Kenneth and I are ready together - and yes I hope that happens soon, but I'm just glad we can talk about it and discuss it together and really make a point to be on the same page and be a strong team and a strong family so that when we do move forward and enter a new surrogacy match our foundation will be a strong one and we will be at our very best when it's time to move forward with our future IPs!
My husband definitely deserves more credit than I generally give him when I think about the 2 surrogacies I've completed and as I contemplate another journey. My husband is a fierce protector of those he loves, and he keeps it pretty toned down for the most part but I see just how much it affects him when he sees someone he loves is in pain or in danger (which for the most part means me or our son!) He wants to shield us from anything bad happening and keep us safe from physical and emotional harm (when he was there beside me at my last delivery I think he looked like he was in more pain than I was half the time, and I seriously think he looked more relieved than I felt when she was finally born!).
When I first came to him with my hopes for pursuing surrogacy all those years ago he was very concerned for me, mainly for me emotionally. I am an emotional person, no two ways about it! I feel my way through things for the most part, I get involved, I make things personal, and I love whole heartedly and always want to believe the very best of people. That's just how I am. And he knows that about me, and I think in a situation like surrogacy it probably terrifies him! He knows I will go in with my heart on my sleeve, with hopes and dreams of how things might go and he knows that if somehow things don't go that way I will hurt and it will affect me. I will get over it, yes, but I will have to work through it and it will be JUST as hard on him to watch me hurting as it is for me to work through the hurt. My first match I was completely clueless about how it might all go, what to expect, and how to feel, but it was a great match and we were a great team and although I struggled with some intense guilt and worry and self-doubt when we had a couple of canceled cycles that cost precious time and money for my IPs other than those negative feelings everything else was very positive and Kenneth probably felt like it had been a good decision. Yes, he had to be there with me through the ups and downs and hormone induced moodiness, but I was happy so he was happy. (Although if you ask him I am quite sure he'll tell you the hormone induced moodiness is worse than I have any memory of, funny how they remember that sort of stuff better than we do... hmmmm....)
So now I am excited and hopeful for the chance to get to work with one more fantastic couple and he wants me to be happy and he worries that I won't be and it makes it hard for him to be 100% supportive yet and he just wants a little time to feel sure that its the right decision for us all. I feel very sure that it won't take too long for him to feel good about moving forward, especially when he gets the chance to know our potential IPs and have the opportunity to make his own judgements (not just hear my thoughts and feelings and impressions) and feel good about them but I also recognize he's just looking out for me, and that taking things a little slowly at the beginning and having a chance to get to know potential IPs before formally agreeing to move forward is definitely not a bad thing. It's hard to not just get excited and want to start making it all happen, but I think I should be thankful and appreciative of my strong and not-so-silent protector, always there looking out for me and wanting the best for me and for all of us. I need to fully realize just how much of an impact a surrogate journey does have on our family and it can be a wonderful and positive impact, but it has the potential to be negative too. I need to accept that and allow him his worries and not just put on the sunshine blinders and hope everything will be great!
I do feel so much excitement for my next journey, but I know I will be even more excited and ready when Kenneth and I are ready together - and yes I hope that happens soon, but I'm just glad we can talk about it and discuss it together and really make a point to be on the same page and be a strong team and a strong family so that when we do move forward and enter a new surrogacy match our foundation will be a strong one and we will be at our very best when it's time to move forward with our future IPs!
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