Does there ever come a time where being an experienced surrogate actually lends you CONFIDENCE in what you're doing?? Yes I know what I'm doing as an experienced GS much more so than before, but will I ever feel confident because of my experience? Going through the matching phase I have all the exact same worries and fears as I have had the other two times - I'm beginning to think that just doesn't ever change! Maybe for some it does, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels like this when you're at the beginning again. At first I was thinking "I don't remember feeling like this last time" but I looked up posts from about 2 years ago and sure enough I was posting pretty much the same worries... it seems so silly looking back, but never the less I expend some of my time and energy worrying!! It's so annoying, I know I can't change things - either I will find a good match or I won't, either their RE will approve me or they won't, either I will go on to successfully carry another GS pregnancy or I won't. I know none of those big important parts of being a surrogate are in my hand, and so I worry about them! Maybe I just have control issues??! I think I just want everything to go well and I feel good about the parts I know I can contribute to and then the unknowns leave me wondering "what will happen"?!
I wonder will I find IPs who will like me and feel like I do about the important things, will we get to know each other well enough to be sure it's a good match, when is the right time to agree to match, will it be difficult to discuss contracts and make sure everyone feels comfortable with it, will I get approved by the RE, will testing go ok, will my uterus look good, how will cycling go, am I still a good candidate, will I get pregnant.... I guess it just comes down to knowing there are no guarantees, but always hoping for the best and hoping things will work out great.
There, maybe I just needed to get that off my chest, take a deep breath and let it go. If it's not in my hands, I have to trust it will happen if it is indeed meant to be and leave it at that (or at least try to)!
Kenneth had re-painted the kitchen on Tuesday and we finished getting it put back together last night. I am soooo happy with it, makes such a huge difference to have clean walls with some sunny yellow color on them in there!! Makes me want to paint other rooms too, but I am pretty sure that won't be happening anytime soon unless maybe I decide to pay someone else to come in and do it while Kenneth is gone for his new job sometime in the next year! :D (I am considering this option already!)
There is still some re-organization he wants to do to try to clear some of the kitchen gadgets off the countertops and free up some space so it looks a little less cluttered, and I know we probably need to go through a few other pieces like our buffet in the dining room and purge that as well. So we definitely still have some projects ahead of us, but it feels like the "big stuff" is done or well underway and that feels great!
I'm hoping to get a couple of the dogs bathed tonight, that will be a fun task!! The little ones are easier, but Max is a bit harder (our bassett hound). Sadie (our rottie) needs one too, but she has to be bathed outside because she's just too big for inside!! So maybe we'll get some nice sunny weather on Friday and I can give her a good scrubbing on the deck then. It's pretty and sunny outside right now, but still looks chilly and breezy too. I just can't wait for it to really warm up around here!