They're there

I am really upset that I missed a call from Kenneth today... :( I had a lunch time meeting and he called just after noon and I was in the conference room and missed it. At least I have another sweet message I saved for replaying as often as I want to hear "I love you." I am really sad this evening... I went into work with the tears bubbling up, just not knowing where he was and knowing most likely they were on their way to Afghanistan or almost there, its just a lot to process and I've been trying really hard not to think about it, not to worry about them all, but every now and then it just feels very overwhelming. I think I try not to think about it because I don't even know where to start in processing my thoughts and emotions on them being there and all that goes with it. I just get sick in the pit of my stomach, and I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong, for Kenneth, for Kent, for myself. I have more on my shoulders now then before, so I feel like I have no time for tears, to break down, to be upset, to allow the fear and the worry in.

Of course, I don't want to be sad either - but I realize pushing off processing everything only prolongs the initial tears and upset. It is so different for me this time, all of it, and I thought I would have a frame of reference since we've been through an overseas deployment to war before. But its like looking back at someone else's memory and experience. You can see what they went through and you can understand it, but it doesn't affect what you're going through or directly impact what you're feeling now during your own experience. They're completely separate from each other. I haven't been able to just cry. I've teared up many times, but it always stops short of actually crying it out. It doesn't take much to choke me up, but I haven't been able to get it out. And now I sit here with this huge feeling of nausea in the pit of my stomach...

I feel like a little piece of me is out there wandering around without me and I don't feel quite complete. But at the same time, I know I am always with him - that little piece of my heart is always with him and in some ways that is comforting.

I made up our count down calendar, though its really more of a count up calendar since we don't have an actual date to count down to! I added enough months to put us into summer and made a note at each 4 week mark of how many weeks he'll have been gone at that point. There is a picture of the world with dots for us and him and a line between, and a note with the time difference at the top. I left a bunch of blank space so Kent and I can add notes about where he is, what he's doing, significant events, etc. An interactive time line of his months away. I taped it up over the hearth and I've been spending a lot of time just staring at it and trying to absorb how much time all those months really represent. How much can change between now and then, wondering how much will change, wondering what it will be like when he comes home again... and praying that each day that goes by finds him safe and sound wherever he is, whatever he's doing.


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