Thinking back…

How do you describe beauty? How do you explain a miracle? What does it mean to say “my heart is full”? How do I do justice to these indescribable feelings and emotions?

Surrogacy is all these things to me, and so much more. It is growing, and learning, giving, stretching, and receiving. It is an imprint on your mind, body and soul. It is giving total faith, trust, and control to another human being and asking for the same in return.

As a surrogate, I don’t think there is a greater joy than witnessing the two people you have come to care so much about holding their long anticipated and greatly loved hopes and dreams in their arms, and truly recognizing that YOU helped make those dreams come true. How empowering! What an amazing blessing! To be able to say: “I Help Make Dreams Come True!!” I want to shout it from the mountain tops!

There are some days when I just can’t help but look back over my journey and just try to soak it all in, remember all the emotions, enjoy the new feelings.

On a flight recently, I wrote this thinking of Fiona and trying to think of her from her parent’s perspective, as well as mine. She encompasses the hopes and dreams of SO many people. I cannot say as much mine as theirs, but she was MY dream come true as well. She has given so much to me, just by allowing me to carry her.

Ode to a Dream

A flit of light. A star streaking across the night sky. You danced with the cherubs for years; you sang with the angels and waited. Your parents longed for you, ached for you, but you were still just a dream.

How does a dream come true? It begins in the heart, a secret wish. To hold you close, to smell your skin, to feel your eyelashes brush against a cheek. The heart speaks the language of love so clearly. It knows exactly what it wants, yearns for so deeply. The emptiness that is felt when those whispered hopes go unanswered. The quietness, missing your laughter, longing to meet you. The quiet. Hope is faint, the heart still whispers, quietly.

To hope again! To embrace the longing! To find faith! You are MEANT to be! I was meant to help you find your way home. I will never understand why I was chosen as your messenger, why I was allowed to witness this dream, born in the heart, become flesh, become real.

You are love. There is nothing about you not longed for, prayed for, hoped for, waited for. Your cries, your giggles, your beauty. You mean so much to so many. Will you truly ever know? Will you ever know that you are one of the only true miracles I was a part of? You chose us, all of us, and we love you!

It is a mystery to me still. The emotions of it all. It is a journey of the heart, a trial of love. It asks for more from some than it does of others. Gives more to some than it does to others. How does it choose? How do we know when it is right? Why are some so lucky? Why was I so blessed? It is a mystery to me.

You created in me something I didn’t know I could have, didn’t know I was capable of. I thought I was a loving person before you, but my heart has grown even more. I cannot adequately express to you, to your parents, the depth of my feelings. How honored I am, how totally smitten I am!

I could not be more proud to have been a part of you, as you are a part of me. All it takes is one glimpse of your face in a photo, and that never-ending feeling of love comes rushing back to the surface and I am reliving the beautiful look of love and joy on your parent’s faces the first time they laid eyes on you.

This is an ode to a miracle, this is an ode to you Fiona.


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