Lost...
I write this post for my own sake, as I know one day I will want to look back and remember. Right now I would like to forget.
On November 20th my whole world turned upside down with one phonecall. The day started out normal enough, a Friday, a work day. I was so EXCITED that the weekend was almost there and my mom would be arriving on Sunday. I was planning in my head all the things I had to get done at the house to get ready. Kent's birthday party was planned for Saturday the 21st and there was a get together happening at the unit that morning - so it was going to be a busy, busy day and I had a lot to get done! The admin group went to lunch to celebrate the impending arrival of our receptionist's baby girl. It was a very nice lunch at Macaroni Grill and I enjoyed meeting the father of her daughter and hearing more about him.
During lunch my brother called but I let it go to voicemail and figured I'd call him back later. I got back to the office and jumped back into a huge copy project I'd been working on in our production room. Right around 2:00pm the phone rang and I checked and saw Jake's number again. I was a little worried that he'd call twice so I answered this time. From the tone in his voice I immediately assumed something was very, very wrong. My first thought was his daughter Sofia who's had so many health issues ever since she was born. But instead he said "There's no easy way to say this. I have to tell you that our mother has died." That's all I remember. Next thing I knew I was tearing around the corners saying something like "Are you kidding me?" Desperate for him to say it was a horrible joke. Of course it wasn't and I remember him saying he wouldn't joke about something like that. Then I was on the floor of our lounge on my knees just sobbing, my heart shattered right there on the floor and I'm still trying to find the pieces.
My mother, my best friend, my comfort, my support, my shoulder... I love her SO much, and have been so close with her all my 28 years of life. She brought me into this world surrounded by love and nurtured me and cared for me as I grew. No parent is perfect and my brother, sister and I often talked about her quirks and things that drove us crazy, but we LOVED her. We love her.
It all seems empty right now, I feel empty and tired and I ache for her. I ache for all those hugs I will never feel again, I ache for that giggle I will never hear again, for her soft cheek I won't ever get to lean against, her hair I will never get to brush again. I ache.
We buried her on Monday November 30th. It was a beautiful small ceremony with 2 wonderful songs sung for her by someone from her church and a family friend we all grew up with... it was very touching. I had already cried so much up to that point I wondered where the tears I cried at her service came from. Her memorial service is going to be this Saturday and though part of me wishes I could be there (mainly as a support to my siblings) part of me is glad that I was able to say my goodbye, spend time with family and now try to move forward... it is hard to feel stuck in the details of things like funerals and memorials when what you really want to do is just GRIEVE.
So, its now been almost 2 weeks and some moments it feels like my downward spiral keeps going down, and other moments I feel a little closer to normal. I accept the ups and downs, and pray I will find the turning point in the near future where I can move closer to acceptance and think of her with nothing but love and fondness, when the rawness won't be quite so prevalent...
I am struggling to eat and sleep and my body is so fatigued because of it, I am trying and that's I guess the best I can do right now.
The other part of my emptiness - Kenneth has been gone almost 4 weeks and he's been so good about calling and checking in on me and has left me some wonderful messages and incredibly touching e-mails. I am so thankful for him, but I miss him SO much right now. I need to get a package out to him soon. Plus his birthday and Christmas are coming up so soon, I have to get his Holiday package out too. Kent and I started working on that last night. I got some more good ideas on things to send them.
I am thankful for my family. Each of them. My mother was a huge part of that and the idea of not being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice or get a silly e-mail from her with something to show Kent, knowing that there won't be a Christmas package from her with candy and a sweet card and little goodies to open with Kent, or a Valentine box, or a Easter box... Mom made every Holiday special, celebrated life and those she loved, made me feel like a better person for knowing her. She will be so very missed, I am not even capable of fully understanding how much I miss her yet. My prayer for her is that she left this world peacefully and truly knowing how VERY much she is loved by the many, many people on this earth she touched.
On November 20th my whole world turned upside down with one phonecall. The day started out normal enough, a Friday, a work day. I was so EXCITED that the weekend was almost there and my mom would be arriving on Sunday. I was planning in my head all the things I had to get done at the house to get ready. Kent's birthday party was planned for Saturday the 21st and there was a get together happening at the unit that morning - so it was going to be a busy, busy day and I had a lot to get done! The admin group went to lunch to celebrate the impending arrival of our receptionist's baby girl. It was a very nice lunch at Macaroni Grill and I enjoyed meeting the father of her daughter and hearing more about him.
During lunch my brother called but I let it go to voicemail and figured I'd call him back later. I got back to the office and jumped back into a huge copy project I'd been working on in our production room. Right around 2:00pm the phone rang and I checked and saw Jake's number again. I was a little worried that he'd call twice so I answered this time. From the tone in his voice I immediately assumed something was very, very wrong. My first thought was his daughter Sofia who's had so many health issues ever since she was born. But instead he said "There's no easy way to say this. I have to tell you that our mother has died." That's all I remember. Next thing I knew I was tearing around the corners saying something like "Are you kidding me?" Desperate for him to say it was a horrible joke. Of course it wasn't and I remember him saying he wouldn't joke about something like that. Then I was on the floor of our lounge on my knees just sobbing, my heart shattered right there on the floor and I'm still trying to find the pieces.
My mother, my best friend, my comfort, my support, my shoulder... I love her SO much, and have been so close with her all my 28 years of life. She brought me into this world surrounded by love and nurtured me and cared for me as I grew. No parent is perfect and my brother, sister and I often talked about her quirks and things that drove us crazy, but we LOVED her. We love her.
It all seems empty right now, I feel empty and tired and I ache for her. I ache for all those hugs I will never feel again, I ache for that giggle I will never hear again, for her soft cheek I won't ever get to lean against, her hair I will never get to brush again. I ache.
We buried her on Monday November 30th. It was a beautiful small ceremony with 2 wonderful songs sung for her by someone from her church and a family friend we all grew up with... it was very touching. I had already cried so much up to that point I wondered where the tears I cried at her service came from. Her memorial service is going to be this Saturday and though part of me wishes I could be there (mainly as a support to my siblings) part of me is glad that I was able to say my goodbye, spend time with family and now try to move forward... it is hard to feel stuck in the details of things like funerals and memorials when what you really want to do is just GRIEVE.
So, its now been almost 2 weeks and some moments it feels like my downward spiral keeps going down, and other moments I feel a little closer to normal. I accept the ups and downs, and pray I will find the turning point in the near future where I can move closer to acceptance and think of her with nothing but love and fondness, when the rawness won't be quite so prevalent...
I am struggling to eat and sleep and my body is so fatigued because of it, I am trying and that's I guess the best I can do right now.
The other part of my emptiness - Kenneth has been gone almost 4 weeks and he's been so good about calling and checking in on me and has left me some wonderful messages and incredibly touching e-mails. I am so thankful for him, but I miss him SO much right now. I need to get a package out to him soon. Plus his birthday and Christmas are coming up so soon, I have to get his Holiday package out too. Kent and I started working on that last night. I got some more good ideas on things to send them.
I am thankful for my family. Each of them. My mother was a huge part of that and the idea of not being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice or get a silly e-mail from her with something to show Kent, knowing that there won't be a Christmas package from her with candy and a sweet card and little goodies to open with Kent, or a Valentine box, or a Easter box... Mom made every Holiday special, celebrated life and those she loved, made me feel like a better person for knowing her. She will be so very missed, I am not even capable of fully understanding how much I miss her yet. My prayer for her is that she left this world peacefully and truly knowing how VERY much she is loved by the many, many people on this earth she touched.
You have my deepest sympathies, I cannot imagine the pain you are in.
ReplyDeleteI'm truly sorry to hear this. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes, I can't imagine the pain you must feel. Hugs to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI can not imagine the pain and anguish you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you & your family.
R- everyone deals with loss differently, so I don't know if my idea will help or not, but after my dad passed I had the same thoughts about the holidays and the gifts that he used to send to my children. Every Christmas he would get them one of those chocolate oranges that split open (silly gift, but he did it every year). I decided that I would continue that. Every Christmas I continue to buy a chocolate orange for my kids, just like grandpa used to. My suggestion would be for you to put together a package for your son with the things you know your mom would've done. You won't have to do it forever, but the process of putting it together may feel comforting.
ReplyDeleteWhen my MIL lost her mother, she continued to bake the Christmas cookies that her mom always made each year. Sometimes continuing the little traditions helps us to remember them and be comforted.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There will come a time, I promise you, when you are able to think of your mother and smile. I pray that your fond memories of her will provide you with some comfort in the days to come.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog from Ivy's blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. It made me cry and I'm going to hug my Mom very hard when I get off the plane in 2 weeks when I go home for Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better soon, I know those are lame words, but I guess I don't know what else to say. I'm so very sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad completely sudden in February and still cry quite a bit. Not everyday though- and as someone said, there will come a time when you are able to start smiling again. Allow yourself the time to grieve. Getting through the funeral and weeks after just seems unreal and you feel like a zombie. Make sure you eat, stay hydrated and spend time with your family sharing the many special moments that made up your mom's life. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete