Dear Mom...
I was thinking about my mom tonight and how much I have to tell her and decided to write her a letter...
Dear Mom,
Are you listening? Can you hear me, my thoughts? I wish we could talk today. There is so much on my mind and heart that I would give anything to share with you. To snuggle against you with your silly fuzzy snowman blanket over our laps, one of our favorite movies on in the background and your shoulder to lean on while I pour out my heart. I can still feel your hand stroking my hair, and see that "mom" look in your eyes - all that love and pride. All it ever took was one look from you to feel like the most amazing and wonderful person on this planet. Knowing I'll never see that look in person again makes the jagged edges around my broken heart ache again... You were my safe harbor mom. You have always been my rock, my solid foundation. I knew I could be what I wanted to be because you were there to support me and build me up. I knew I would be strong enough, because you made me believe in myself. I need that now. I need to hear your love and support.
The days ahead of me are unsure and I need your reassurance that I am going to be ok and I am doing the right thing. I know in my head and heart that I will be, but I need you while I find my way. Life is such a lonelier place without you. But at the same time I have you to thank as well. Loosing you will forever be one of the most painful experiences I will ever go through. But it has been the wake up call I needed too. The reminder that life is short and we deserve to be loved, to be happy, to be fulfilled. Our dreams deserve a chance, our life should not just be lived, it should be lived well. I will honor this and find a way to pursue my dreams again, to bring music and God back into our lives, so Kent will grow up surrounded by the things that bring me the most fond memories of my childhood. I will never sit at a piano and bring music to life through my fingertips in the way you did, but I will sing and I will re-learn the flute and I will find joy in music again.
I have thought of you as my hero many, many times. When asked to write about my hero, I always thought of you. If I never put it into words, I am sorry. I wish I had, and I pray so hard every day that you did not leave this earth without truly knowing how much you mean to me. My mother is my hero because she is love personified. It is in her every look, touch, action and word. She makes people feel special, she brings out the best in everyone. She gives always selflessly of herself, her time, her talents, her heart, her soul. I want to be just like her when I grow up. I always have. Maybe minus a few of your quirks :) but I have always wanted to be just like you... and I think I am realizing maybe I am more like you then I'd thought. If I have just a piece of your spirit, your talent, your light then I am honored and blessed and grateful.
We had to start thinking about your headstone, and I was trying to think of phrases that would even partially capture the essence of you and how you have left us feeling - I truly don't think the right words exist in the English language, or if they do I haven't found them yet. Until then, hear my hearts cry of anguish and love, and my soul's mourning for your passing and please feel from the depths of me the love that is still on this earth missing you every day.
Mom, I hope you hear my thoughts and I hope that what I feel in response is from you. I feel such a peace when I picture you, finally home, finally free. Though I ache, I can still feel joy for your homecoming. I can picture you with your Grandmother who you missed so desparately, and your brother whom I never met. Maybe you are bouncing my angel baby who I never got to meet on your knee too... I pray you are all together, my beautiful family in heaven. And on these days when I wish so much to be able to talk to you and hear your voice in return, I trust the amazing friends and family who surround me are your way of letting me know I am still loved and supported.
Come visit me in my dreams soon.
I love you.
Your Beka Buglet
Dear Mom,
Are you listening? Can you hear me, my thoughts? I wish we could talk today. There is so much on my mind and heart that I would give anything to share with you. To snuggle against you with your silly fuzzy snowman blanket over our laps, one of our favorite movies on in the background and your shoulder to lean on while I pour out my heart. I can still feel your hand stroking my hair, and see that "mom" look in your eyes - all that love and pride. All it ever took was one look from you to feel like the most amazing and wonderful person on this planet. Knowing I'll never see that look in person again makes the jagged edges around my broken heart ache again... You were my safe harbor mom. You have always been my rock, my solid foundation. I knew I could be what I wanted to be because you were there to support me and build me up. I knew I would be strong enough, because you made me believe in myself. I need that now. I need to hear your love and support.
The days ahead of me are unsure and I need your reassurance that I am going to be ok and I am doing the right thing. I know in my head and heart that I will be, but I need you while I find my way. Life is such a lonelier place without you. But at the same time I have you to thank as well. Loosing you will forever be one of the most painful experiences I will ever go through. But it has been the wake up call I needed too. The reminder that life is short and we deserve to be loved, to be happy, to be fulfilled. Our dreams deserve a chance, our life should not just be lived, it should be lived well. I will honor this and find a way to pursue my dreams again, to bring music and God back into our lives, so Kent will grow up surrounded by the things that bring me the most fond memories of my childhood. I will never sit at a piano and bring music to life through my fingertips in the way you did, but I will sing and I will re-learn the flute and I will find joy in music again.
I have thought of you as my hero many, many times. When asked to write about my hero, I always thought of you. If I never put it into words, I am sorry. I wish I had, and I pray so hard every day that you did not leave this earth without truly knowing how much you mean to me. My mother is my hero because she is love personified. It is in her every look, touch, action and word. She makes people feel special, she brings out the best in everyone. She gives always selflessly of herself, her time, her talents, her heart, her soul. I want to be just like her when I grow up. I always have. Maybe minus a few of your quirks :) but I have always wanted to be just like you... and I think I am realizing maybe I am more like you then I'd thought. If I have just a piece of your spirit, your talent, your light then I am honored and blessed and grateful.
We had to start thinking about your headstone, and I was trying to think of phrases that would even partially capture the essence of you and how you have left us feeling - I truly don't think the right words exist in the English language, or if they do I haven't found them yet. Until then, hear my hearts cry of anguish and love, and my soul's mourning for your passing and please feel from the depths of me the love that is still on this earth missing you every day.
Mom, I hope you hear my thoughts and I hope that what I feel in response is from you. I feel such a peace when I picture you, finally home, finally free. Though I ache, I can still feel joy for your homecoming. I can picture you with your Grandmother who you missed so desparately, and your brother whom I never met. Maybe you are bouncing my angel baby who I never got to meet on your knee too... I pray you are all together, my beautiful family in heaven. And on these days when I wish so much to be able to talk to you and hear your voice in return, I trust the amazing friends and family who surround me are your way of letting me know I am still loved and supported.
Come visit me in my dreams soon.
I love you.
Your Beka Buglet
This is so beautiful, I truly hope she can read this - I feel simialr things for Patti as my older sister, and I do miss her so much - but I also know she is still those things for us - the memory of the words and appreciation she had for us, the compassion and the exhortations. I also want to get more into music, and for me, art, again. Lately, Ive been in the role of an advocate for someone trying to reconnect with thier child and I think of all Patti did for teens and families. We are very privelaged to know her. I love you and come alongside you in your grief, lonliness and celebration. Aunti Bobbi
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this through Facebook, Rebekah. I didn't know you were blogging. I'd like to follow you, if you don't mind. :)
ReplyDeleteOf course! I welcome anyone who wants to read my various ramblings. :)
ReplyDelete