Surrogacy Update... Try, Try Again!

As you have probably guessed from my lack of following up at all, the beta news we received on Monday June 6th was indeed not good, it was negative. I had taken a digital HPT that morning before hopping in the shower and there was still that little spark of hope, of PLEASE let it surprise me... but when it came up "Not Pregnant" I was sure I knew what we'd hear that day. I think you start mentally preparing yourself by about 9 days past transfer when nothing is coming up on the HPTs that it probably didn't work, but I still don't think you ever really stop hoping, not until the "beta lady sings". That was really rough to hear still, even though I was expecting it. It is hard to describe the emotions that come with a failed transfer, because it's not just about you, and what you're going through, it's about the potential of a little life that didn't happen, about feeling like you let everyone down, that your body let you down, that somehow you weren't good enough for that little life to grown in... I KNOW everyone says you cannot take it personally, too many variables, you're giving the embryo(s) the best chance at life, but even with all things perfect, there are no guarantees at all - if it's meant to be it will. I know all of those things in my head, and they do make me feel marginally better, but it doesn't change the fact that I care very deeply about my role as a surrogate, my sole purpose in this relationship is to get pregnant with that embryo and care for it as best I can throughout it's gestation so a beautiful healthy baby (or two) can go home with their mom and dad at the end of the pregnancy. So, when you are finally given that chance to fulfill your role and the transfer is not successful it is pretty much impossible to not feel hurt, sad, and wonder if you could have done something different, even just the smallest thing.

So, I have taken the past week to be sad, to wonder if there is a "right" thing to say to your IP's and know there really probably isn't and hope just letting them know how sorry I am things didn't work out this time will at least somehow convey what I really feel. And we waited for the RE's to meet the evening after the beta and get back to us over the next couple days with the plan. They decided not to change anything, but just try again with the remaining 4 frozen embryos. I stopped meds the day of the beta and my period arrived in a timely fashion on Saturday the 11th. I went in for a baseline ultrasound and labwork appointment yesterday AM and my lining had thinned down to a 3mm and my labs were all good so I started estrace again today!

This is the calendar:
6/13 baseline ultrasound (CD 3)
6/14 start estrace 2mg tablets 2x daily
6/18 increase estrace to 3x daily
7/1 lining check
7/4 start progesterone and medrol if lining check is ok
7/7 3-day embryo transfer
7/19 beta (12 days past transfer)

So, fingers crossed that my lining does well again with this cycle and we hope, as our nurse coordinator Tammy said, that the "Baby(ies) are still waiting in the freezer"! :)