So Many Thoughts...

So here we are at the (practically) 35 week mark... D-Day seems to be approaching with lightning speed! My IPs and I had e-mailed very briefly about me pumping for Miss M but we hadn't talked about it since, so in my e-mail on Monday I pointed them to a thread on SMO with all the shipping/supplies info and asked if they were still interested and said I'd look into the cost of pump rentals from the hospital, etc. if they wanted me to. I figured IM would be calling to talk about that - I don't think IF is terribly comfortable talking to me about breast milk!! Anyhow, IM called on my way home last night and we caught up a little and she always asks how I'm feeling and how active is little "F" and am I tired, etc. The we talked a little about pumping, and she was just so sweet about it - from what she was saying it seemed she wanted to make sure I knew that if I needed an "out" I had one, she is worried that pumping will be a hard reminder to me of the baby being so far away. I tried to assure her that although I can't KNOW how I'll feel, I think it will be something I will feel really proud of! And it will be beneficial to all of us, so I'm excited about it! A little worried about fitting it into my work schedule when I go back full time, but still I really am excited to pump for her and give her that extra something from me!

We talked about the hospital stay, I got a little sad when I realized that they are planning to leave the day "F" is released from the hospital. They don't want to keep her at a hotel because of germs, and aren't even planning to stop on their drive home back to NJ!! WOW!! Anyhow, I'm glad I know that know, so I can enjoy my day with them and with her as much as possible...

IM and I had hung up, but then she called back and we talked more about a possible sibling project - which is again something that had been touched on once via e-mail but never really explored (I figured we both would want some time afterwards anyways to get back into our routines, so I haven't been worried about having that discussion.) Anyhow, she was so sweet and was saying that they have a lot to figure out about when/if they can pursue another surrogacy but it seems that she's leaning towards it - they have 4 frozen embies and she feels a real sense of responsibility to at least give them a chance! She said she'd like to see how things are going with "F", and maybe talk about it again in August - but she's looking at about 9 months out which is a good time frame for me, she said "I don't want you to sign with anyone else!" I told her I am happy to wait for them - this journey has been just beautiful for me... very laid back... Everything has gone super smoothly with the financial aspects, and they've always done everything in their power to reduce my stress and take on all the battles themselves. They are just wonderful people whom I have been so blessed to work with and to get to know... I am getting emotional thinking back on our year plus together!! We went through so many ups and downs with cycling, and I was sure they were going to move on and wouldn't have blamed them for a second! But they stuck with me, and I am so grateful, and they have been nothing but appreciative and thoughtful this entire journey... I wish we were closer together, and that they could have been there for an ultrasound or two, and seen her wiggly antics in my belly, but other than those things everything has been ideal.

I guess as I approach the "finish line" I am just looking back and reminiscing on this journey, everything that has lead us to this moment, wondering what the future might hold, and feeling so grateful... grateful to my IPs for sticking with me and being so amazing throughout the journey, and so grateful to the surrogacy community I've found on SMO for all the support and advice along the way... I can't imagine having gone through this journey without them!

I know I just wrote a novel, I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to get down!

My final thoughts for my beautiful little surro baby girl, as we share our last few weeks together... know you have touched every part of my heart and soul, and I will forever love you for the miracle you are! What a blessing your life has already been to SO many, and you have so much ahead of you! I wish you nothing but peace, joy, and true happiness in your life - may you follow your heart and your dreams knowing you are loved and supported in your pursuits. I am thankful to your parents, for allowing me to be a small part of your beginning, and am so very excited to see you finally with them - where you belong! Your mommy has been dreaming about you for a long time! Your spunky little personality has already shown through as you've grown inside of me, and I look forward with happiness and excitement to watching you grow into the young lady you will become! I am so proud, so very, very proud, to be able to say I was your surrogate mother; no matter the miles, the distance, you will always be close to me in my heart and I will love you always.

And for fun - a picture of my swollen feet from 6/16/07 (on the left is the "dent" from where I pushed down so you could see how puffy they are!):