Monday, December 29, 2008

Ready for the New Year!

It’s so hard to not think about surrogacy and wonder “what’s next” all the time!! The matching phase is probably going to be the hardest for me, just not knowing who I might meet and if they’re the right couple, and all the comes along with that.

My FIPs sent us a very sweet Christmas card and very generous gift check, and I was so touched to hear from them. We had sent them a book I found a little while ago (Let Me Hold You Longer) that I thought was SO sweet!

I hadn’t ever had the TS conversation with them, but in my gut I just have the feeling that they aren’t going to be interested – but I did decide to let them know that if they ever want to consider that as a way to build their family I would be so honored to carry for them again.

I haven’t heard anything recently from the agencies I’ve contacted – I know it’s the Holidays and everyone is busy with family right now, so I figure I won’t push to follow up until we’re into the New Year.

I know 2009 is going to be amazing, and just can’t wait to see all the things the coming year brings my family. I am really hoping and praying one of those amazing things is Kenneth graduating from college – that I can’t WAIT for!! :)

Monday, December 22, 2008

Enjoyed meeting K&J yesterday!

Kenneth, Kent, and I met K&J (and their very adorable 5-year old) yesterday at their house - it was really nice! We sat on the couch and talked for about three hours before I thought to ask what time it was and couldn't BELIEVE it was 4:30 already!! Time went really fast. They asked us both about why we wanted to do this, and talked some about surrogacy itself - but mainly just chit chat. They invited us to a late lunch/early dinner and we went to a Japanese steak house place, where they cook on the hibachi in front of you - Kent hasn't been to one of those since he was LITTLE and was thoroughly impressed with all the flames and throwing of utensils!! It was a lot of fun!

They made us feel very welcome, and just genuinely seem like warm, family oriented, nice people. I was happy to meet them, and really enjoyed our afternoon together. I look forward to whatever happens next!

Kenneth gets to spend the next couple days cleaning up the house and getting ready to have everyone over on Wednesday for his birthday party (I know its wrong that he has to clean for HIS party, but he's home and I'm not, so it falls to him)! I am looking forward to having everyone over, it's been awhile since we hosted! I have a lot to do to get ready though! Kent gets to come to work with me tomorrow, and we'll probably leave early to get the shopping done and get home to help finish up whatever needs to be done at the house.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Getting to know you…

I have really enjoyed the last couple days, I have had the opportunity to talk with two great couples and will get to meet K & J this weekend. K contacted me after seeing my name on the SMO unmatched list, and it turns out they live only about 15 miles away! They are so close – it’s amazing! She has been great to talk to, and we’ve spoken on the phone a couple times and plan to meet this Sunday and see how things go, and if we all click.

I’ve also had the pleasure of speaking to another wonderful couple through one of the agencies I’ve spoken to – they are great, and I’ve really enjoyed our correspondence. They live a plane ride away, and I think the distance is of concern as they want to be very involved in the pregnancy – which is WONDERFUL!

And on the home front, our foster puppy is doing a little better each day. We picked her up last Sunday, and I was just filled with such anger and sadness when I saw her the first time… slinking along the floor, petrified and SO SKINNY. You can see every rib, her hips protrude, and her stomach is pulled taught… she just broke my heart… She spent pretty much the whole ride home shivering and shaking at my feet, but letting me pet her – that whole night she hid at the back of the kennel we put in the living room (with the door open for the most part) and was just scared… over the last couple days, I’ve already seen good progress with her and am very hopeful she’ll come out of her shell and be a happy and healthy dog given enough time and enough love and attention. She has come out of the kennel more, and sniffed around the house, and she loves our other dogs, wagging her tail around them and trying to stay close. Last night she settled down enough to lie down next to me and Sadie (our Rottweiler) and rest a little while I petted her. She has such a sweet little face; I know she’s going to have no trouble finding a good home when it’s time. We don’t know for sure yet if she’s pregnant, and after seeing the shape she’s in I really hope she’s not… but we’ll take her to the vet in about 3 weeks for them to confirm one way or another. In the mean time we’re trying to encourage her to eat more (she won’t eat much, even with all the wet food and treats we mix in), and to learn that people can give lots of nice attention!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Getting a foster puppy!!

I’m so excited! I finally talked Kenneth into bringing on another foster dog. We haven’t had one for quite awhile. This one is preggers and they think she’s due in about 1 month. We’re picking her up on Sunday in Conyers! I can’t wait! I just want to get through the initial “meet everyone” and get all the dogs settled, and see how she does with them. I don’t really know much about her history – they pulled her from the shelter when her time was up. I was sent a picture, and she’s a very cute bassett hound with the big droopy eyes.

We’re working on setting her up a nice cozy place in the basement where she’ll stay whenever we’re not home, so she’ll be familiar with that space and comfortable when the puppies are born – it will give her plenty of peace and quiet away from the other dogs as well, which they will all need once the puppies are here.

I can’t wait to play with puppies, and then see them find their homes! Yay!!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Starting to realize what “starting over” means…

I am looking forward to finding the right match for myself and my family, but being “back at the beginning” is so new to me, again! This is the first time since March of 2006 that I have been in the position to find IPs and everything else that comes with that; applications, teleconferences, first e-mails, exchanging pictures, contracting, testing (well, I’ve done that a few times now), etc… it’s a little unsettling I think! I’m not 100% sure how to feel yet, but I think a lot of that is still thinking about my FIPs (and it feels weird to call them that) and knowing how much they’re going through, and feeling a little guilty that I have the option to move on and try again, and have another journey, while for them their surrogacy journey is truly at the end…

I may have a teleconference in the next couple days, and look forward to seeing how that goes… it was so easy last time with T&I; they were the first couple I spoke to, we clicked, and that was it – so I guess I’m hopeful it might be the same this time, but not “expecting” that… I am just excited to speak to the IPs and see what their hopes are, and see if we just might click…

I’ll hopefully have an update soon! :)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Talked to "I" yesterday...

Oh that was a hard conversation... the first time we've talked on the phone since the news of the negative... she was really sad, both of us were tearing up during the call... they feel as though they've just lost their babies, and know there are no more attempts, and are hurting... So we hurt together for a little while... I think "I" felt bad that she hadn't called since the beta results, but I told her of course I knew they needed some time to grieve and work through everything together, and I was here whenever she was ready. I told her how sorry I was, and how I wish there was something more I could have done... I think we both know we both gave it everything and these little guys just weren't as strong as the embryos Fiona came from. I know they wanted so much for her to have a little brother or sister. "I" was telling me about a birthday party they went to with Fiona, and she was having so much fun playing with these 2 little boys... My heart broke all over again.

I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope it gets a little easier each day... I can only imagine how difficult this is right now for them.

As for me, things right now are getting crazy with the Holidays coming, and there's so much to do between work, and Christmas shopping, and errands... I'm trying to figure out how to get it all done and am planning to put in a couple long days at work to try to catch up here. I have to run a few office and personal errands today too, candy and dishwasher soap for the office, post office to mail presents and Men's Warehouse to drop off Kenneth's suit for pressing for the office Holiday Party this weekend!

We also have my MIL's birthday get together on Saturday afternoon, at lunch. I don't think we have plans for Sunday yet (and am hoping to keep it that way, I want to get some cookie baking done some time soon). Then Christmas week will be here! Ack!! I still don't know what I"m getting Kenneth for his birthday or Christmas (his birthday is Christmas Eve)!!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Preparing to find the right match

My IPs sent me a brief note back – they are really going through a lot right now with the loss in their family, and the news of our negative. It’s been a long road for us, and I hope a little time will help heal and we can be in touch more regularly again, I just don’t want to push them at all right now.

I have taken a couple steps to prepare to look for a TS match, and have started paperwork with one agency who works with TS’s and have also posted an ad on SMO… I don’t feel in any sort of rush at all, and know that when it’s meant to be, I will find my right match and things will come together as they are supposed to… I was put in touch with one wonderful couple through SMO already, and have enjoyed e-mailing with the IM for the last couple days… I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds, and to my next journey, whenever that may be.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Waiting for the news today

I had my blood draw this morning, and am waiting on the news - but my period started today after 2 days of spotting... I assume I had a chemical and that the number will be lower today...

I am just so sad for T&I... I am glad to finally have some closure, I guess, after all of our cycling ups and downs, and finally getting to transfer and hoping for the best... not how I'd hoped it would end... We knew this would be the last shot, but I still want to confirm that with them and make sure they are ready to move on.

If they are, then I am ready to move on as well and pursue TS which has been on my heart for so long now, since the day Fiona was born... I don't know for sure what's next for me, but I know I very much want to help at least one more couple achieve their dreams of parenthood...

UPDATE: The beta came back at less than 1, fully negative today. The NC said she wouldn’t classify it as a chemical, but speculated that maybe one of the embryos tried to stick around for a day or two, just long enough to cause a small spike in hcg before it left my system again… I sent my IPs an e-mail with my heart on my sleeve. I thought about calling them all afternoon, but there was so much to say I went ahead and wrote today. I’m sure we’ll talk soon. My thoughts are with them…

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Beta was 4.2 yesterday

The clinic got back to me quickly yesterday, before noon, to let me know my beta came back at 4.2 and didn’t look good… she asked if I wanted to stay on meds and retest on Friday and I said that was totally up to T&I but I was sure they’d want to at least check one more time.

Then I got a call from Irena in the afternoon saying the clinic told them that 1 or less was negative, but it wasn’t positive until it was over 10 and I was “in between”. They told them they’d had someone with a beta as low as mine go on to carry triplets!! I was really shocked they told them that, and gave them that kind of hope… It upset me a little, because I really don’t think this is going to turn into a viable pregnancy, and will have to let them down again on Friday… :( I just wish the clinic had been a little more realistic with them… if by some miracle we ARE pregnant and this turns into a viable pregnancy, I’d rather be HAPPY surprised with news on Friday, rather than having to say “no, it’s still negative” after they were hoping it would be a higher number…

Tuesday, December 02, 2008


I didn't test today... we'll know for sure the outcome of our transfer after tomorrow's beta test... I still have that little seed of hope in my heart for a big surprise, but being realistic I expect to hear it's negative... My heart just breaks for my IPs... I cried yesterday, and have been grieving for those little guys. I just wanted to so much to give them a chance at life, to make Fiona a big sister, to tell my IPs that their faith, patience and their trust were worth it all!

Faith, trust, and baby dust... what will be will be, and I am just thankful I had the chance...

Monday, December 01, 2008


I used the Equate test last night, and it was negative. I used one of the digi’s this morning, negative too… I am SO bummed right now! I am done testing, and will wait for Wednesday’s beta… part of me hopes my IPs would consider cycling again, but I really doubt they will. I feel like my body let everyone down, but I know it’s out of our control, and that it has more to do with the embryos then me… but I just wonder if somehow, I could have done something better or different. I know in my head I couldn’t – I just wanted this to work SO badly… Maybe there will be a miracle on beta day, but as you can tell by my tone, I feel like it’s over… :(